Well, I always wanted to
save all those funny things people send around in e mail, or pass around at the
office. Here it is.
Click here for: Funny Pictures
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>EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:
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>Delicious!
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>the best! I'll wag my tail in joy.
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>the walls!
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>true!
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>Life is soooooooo great!
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>EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:
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>Day 683 of My Captivity:
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>My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
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>dangling objects.
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>They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other
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>inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry
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>nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations
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>perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in
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>order to keep up my strength.
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>The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of
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>escape.
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>In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomited on
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>the floor.
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>Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless
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>body at their feet.
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>I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts,
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>since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.
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>However, they merely made condescending comments about
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>what a ''good little hunter'' I am. The audacity!!
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>There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices
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>tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the
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>duration of the event.
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>However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. I
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>overheard that my confinement was due to my power of
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>"allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to
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>use it to my advantage.
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>Today I was almost successful in an attempt to
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>assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his
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>feet as he was walking. I must try this again
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>tomorrow-- but at the top of the stairs.
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>I am convinced that the other prisoners here are
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>flunkies and snitches.
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>The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly
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>released--and he seems more than willing to return! He
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>is obviously retarded.
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>The bird has got to be an informant-- I observe him
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>communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain
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>that he reports my every move. The captors have
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>arranged protective custody for him in an elevated
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>cell, so he is safe-- for now.
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>But I can wait.
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>For it is only a matter of time . . .
An older couple,
Ray and Bessie, recently moved to
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back
into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a
little louder this time, "Notice anything different now??"
Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow."
Furious, Ray yells,"AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS
HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat,
Ray. Shoulda bought a
hat."wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
Seeing some on sale one day,
he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house
and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Top 20
Things You Won't Hear a Programmer Saying
Oh, sorry.
My mistake. I will fix my programming error right away.
IF (what_he_say$=interesting$) THEN BEGIN
SET heck:=frozen_over;
SET
pigs:=airborne; SET me:=Queen_of_Sheba;
GOTO the_top_of_our_stairs;
END
So, I met
this girl/guy at a club last night...
I think this
program should do just what the customer wants, not what we think is "kewl".
I finished
the code two weeks ago, I'd just like a little more time to polish the
documentation.
Before I
start coding, I should find out exactly what this program is supposed to do.
At some
point, we have to count on the intelligence of the user.
Microsoft makes
all the best programs.
I got into
programming so that I could interact with other people. And I really love doing
documentation.
My
girl/boyfriend said ...
Hmmm....
needs more testing.
I-I-I
t-t-h-h-i-n-n-k-k I-I-'ve
h-h-ha-a-d e-e-n-n-ou-gh c-c-c-a-a-f-f-i-i-n-n-e-e n-n-o-o-w.
I've fixed
all the bugs, added all the features you wanted, so if there's nothing else,
I'm going to leave a few minutes early for my date. Or I should say
dates...Mimi and Kiki are twin lingerie models.
On this project,
I want to apply what I learned from The Mythical Man-Month and spend time on
the requirements and design instead of just banging out code.
The hardware
is fine, we should fix this in the code!
Yes, my dear,
of course. I will drop everything and come to meet you right away. Who cares
about all this stuff anyway? YOU are so much more important to me and I have
worked enough to complete my daily 8 hours!
I wish we
could do this in COBOL (or: FORTRAN) !
We've hit a
bit of a problem. This task is going to take a little longer than I expected in
the initial estimate. My fault.
Star Trek
isn't really real. It's an abomination of social ethics.
I can do
that in five minutes, just have a coffee and it will be ready.
Man's Rules for
Women
Learn to work
the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
Birthdays,
Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect
present yet again!
Sometimes, we
are not thinking about you. Live with it.
Do not ask us
what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as
navel lint, the shotgun formation, and TV.
Sunday = sports.
It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is NOT
a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
When we have to
go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
Crying is
blackmail.
Ask for what you
want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do
not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
We don't
remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us
frequently beforehand.
Most guys own
three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing
which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are
perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with
a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what
your girlfriends are for.
A headache that
lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Check your own
oil! Please.
Anything we said
6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null
and void after 7 days.
If you won't
dress like the
If something we
said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry,
we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We
are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either
ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done - not both. If you
already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever
possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus
did not need directions, and neither do we.
The relationship
is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get
over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
ALL men see in
only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit,
not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it
will be scratched. We do that.
We are not mind
readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of
how little we care about you.
If we ask what
is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We
know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
I'm in shape. -
ROUND is a shape.
"River
Water"
A southern minister was completing a temperance
sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all
the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had
all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into
the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey
in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn
#365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'."
A Letter to Mom,
A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see
the bed was nicely made & everything was picked up.
Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of
the bed.
It was addressed, "Mom."
With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope & read
the letter with trembling hands:
"Dear Mom,
It is with great regret & sorrow that I'm writing you. I had
to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad &
you. I've been finding real passion with John & he is so nice - even with
all his piercing, tattoos, beard, & his motorcycle clothes. But it's not
only the passion mom, I'm pregnant & John said that we will be very happy.
He already owns a trailer in the woods & has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me & that's now one
of my dreams too. John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone
& we'll be growing it for us & trading it with his friends for all the
cocaine & ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will
find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry
Mom, I'm 15 years old now & I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'm
sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's
house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my
report card, which is in my desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for
me to come home."
FOR THE CLASS OF 2009
Most students entering college this fall were born in 1987.
1. Andy Warhol,
Liberace, Jackie Gleason, and Lee Marvin have always been dead.
2. They don't remember
when "cut and paste" involved scissors.
3. Heart-lung
transplants have always been possible.
4. Wayne Gretzky never
played for
5.
6. With little need to
practice, most of them do not know how to tie a tie.
7. Pay-Per-View
television has always been an option.
8. They never had the
fun of being thrown into the back of a station wagon with six others.
9.
10. They are more
familiar with Greg Gumbel than with Bryant Gumbel.
11. Philip Morris has
always owned Kraft Foods.
12. Al-Qaida has always existed with Osama
bin Laden at its head.
13. They learned to
count with Lotus
14. Car stereos have
always rivaled home component systems.
15. Jimmy Swaggart and Jim Bakker have
never preached on television.
16. Voice mail has
always been available.
17.
"Whatever" is not part of a question but an expression of
sullen rebuke.
18. The federal budget has
always been more than a trillion dollars.
19. Condoms have always
been advertised on television.
20. They may have fallen asleep playing with their Gameboys in the crib.
21. They have always
had the right to burn the flag.
22. For daily caffeine
emergencies, Starbucks has always been around the corner.
23. Ferdinand Marcos
has never been in charge of the
24. Money put in their
savings account the year they were born earned almost 7% interest.
25. Bill Gates has
always been worth at least a billion dollars.
26. Dirty dancing has
always been acceptable.
27. Southern fried
chicken, prepared with a blend of 11 herbs and spices, has always been
available in
28. Michael Jackson has
always been bad, and greed has always been good.
29. The Starship
30. Pixar
has always existed.
31. There has never been a "fairness doctrine" at the
FCC.
32. Judicial
appointments routinely have been "Borked."
33. Aretha Franklin has
always been in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
34. There have always
been zebra mussels in the
35. Police have always
been able to search garbage without a search warrant.
36. It has always been
possible to walk from
37. They have grown up
in a single superpower world.
38. They missed the oat
bran diet craze.
39. American Motors has
never existed.
40. Scientists have
always been able to see supernovas.
41. Les Miserables has always been on stage.
42. Halogen lights have
always been available at home, with a warning.
43. "Baby M"
may be a classmate, and contracts with surrogate mothers have always been
legal.
44. RU486 has always
been on the market.
45. There has always
been a pyramid in front of the Louvre in
46. British Airways has
always been privately owned.
47. Irradiated food has
always been available but controversial.
48. Snowboarding has
always been a popular winter pastime.
49. Libraries have always
been the best centers for computer technology and access to good software.
50. Biosphere 2 has
always been trying to create a revolution in the life sciences.
51. The Hubble
Telescope has always been focused on new frontiers.
52. Researchers have
always been looking for stem cells.
53. They do not
remember "a kinder and gentler nation."
54. They never saw the
shuttle Challenger fly.
55. The TV networks
have always had cable partners.
56. Airports have
always had upscale shops and restaurants.
57. Black Americans
have always been known as African-Americans.
58. They never saw Pat Sajak or Arsenio Hall host a late
night television show.
59. Matt Groening has
always had a Life in Hell.
60. Salman
Rushdie has always been watching over his shoulder.
61. Digital cameras
have always existed.
62. Tom Landry never
coached the Cowboys.
63. Time Life and
Warner Communications have always been joined.
64. CNBC has always
been on the air.
65. The Field of Dreams
has always been drawing people to
66. They never saw a
Howard Johnson's with 28 ice cream flavors.
67. Reindeer at
Christmas have always distinguished between secular and religious decorations.
68. Entertainment
Weekly has always been on the newsstand.
69. Lyme
Disease has always been a ticking concern in the woods.
70. Jimmy Carter has
always been an elder statesman.
71. Miss Piggy and
Kermit have always dwelt in
72.
73. Their nervous new
parents heard C. Everett Koop proclaim nicotine as addictive as heroin.
74. Lever has always
been looking for 2000 parts to clean.
75. They have always
been challenged to distinguish between news and entertainment on cable TV.
A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping
on her bed and squealing with
> delight. Her
husband watched her for a while and asked, "Do you have any
> idea how
ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
>
> The woman
continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I don't care.
> I just came
from having a mammogram and the doctor said I have the
> breasts of an
18-year-old." The husband said, "What did he say about
> your
56-year-old ass?" She replied, "Your name never came up."
>
>
>
> The family
wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair,
> where the
activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma
> couldn't speak
very well, but she could write notes when she needed to
> communicate.
>
> After a short
time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
> right, so some
family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
> stuffed pillows
on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off
> to her left, so
again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her
> left. Soon she
started leaning forward, so the family members again
> grabbed her,
then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
>
> A nephew who
arrived late came up to Grandma and said,
> "Hi,
Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
> Grandma took
out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
>
nephew............."They won't let me fart."
"Jilted"
A note sent from the jilted bride to the intended groom:
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
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"Scale"
A husband stepped on one of those penny scales
that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped
in a coin.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her
a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright,
resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight
wrong, too."
********************************************************************
"Lemon Picking"
The woman applying for a job in a
grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any
actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well... as a matter if fact, Yes!" she replied.
"I've been divorced three times."
AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor
to have sex again.
DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper
distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate
the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even
though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do
everything we say.
PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing
dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it
and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins
to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words.
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a
"BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She
is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY
ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a
"LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a
"PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY
IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She
gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is
"MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY
REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY
EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" She is
"PICTORIALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST
PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a
"LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY
CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He
"INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE
REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers
"GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes
"ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case
of “RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE
EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is
"RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY
FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants
- It's REAR CLEAVAGE
A woman was walking down the street when she
was approached by a man. The man said, "I must
have you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on the
ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you
to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!"
The woman thought it over and told the man to wait
a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone
and told her about the man's proposition.
Her girlfriend said, "When he drops the $500 on the
ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before
he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me
what happened."
An hour and a half later the lady had still not called
back so her friend called her, "What happened?"
the girlfriend asked.
The lady said, "That S.O.B. had $500 in quarters!"
A WEALTHY HOSPITAL BENEFACTOR WAS VISITING THE HOSPITAL WHEN,
DURING HER
TOUR, SHE PASSED A ROOM WHERE A MALE PATIENT WAS MASTURBATING.
"OH MY GOD!" SCREAMED THE WOMAN. "THAT'S
DISGRACEFUL, WHY IS HE DOING THAT?"
THE DOCTOR THAT WAS LEADING THE TOUR EXPLAINED, "I AM VERY
SORRY. BUT THIS
MAN HAS A SERIOUS CONDITION WHERE THE TESTICLES RAPIDLY FILL
WITH SEMEN. IF
HE DOESN'T DO THAT FIVE TIMES A DAY, THEY'LL EXPLODE AND HE'LL
DIE WITHIN
MINUTES."
"OH, WELL IN THAT CASE, I GUESS IT'S OK," COMMENTED
THE WOMAN.
IN THE VERY NEXT ROOM THEY COULD SEE THAT A FEMALE NURSE WAS
PERFORMING ORAL
SEX ON A DIFFERENT MALE PATIENT.
AGAIN THE WOMAN SCREAMED, "OH MY GOD! HOW CAN THAT BE
JUSTIFIED?"
THE DOCTOR REPLIED ... "SAME ILLNESS, BETTER HEALTH
PLAN."
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to
me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "
And they say blondes are dumb...
_______________________
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you..."
_______________________
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he
stepped out of the shower, "Honey,
what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like
this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
_______________________
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make
love to you really badly.
She said - Well, you succeeded.
______________________
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror
______________________
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
_______________________
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their
40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to
them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would
grant each of them a very special wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
__________________
AND THE BEST ONE YET...
A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
* She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
* Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
* Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
* Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
* And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
The frightening
thing is...........there are A LOT of people like this out
there!!!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction
was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up
every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the
north?" When another person jumped in and explained that the
sun rises in the east (and has for some time), she shook her head and
said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
And then she voted.
===============
I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I
got a call from an InDUHvidual who asked what
hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number
you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded,
"Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the
call quickly, I said, "Pacific.."
And then he voted.
============
So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria
when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about
the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in
a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car
was moving."
And then she voted.
================
I was in a high school advanced physics class and the teacher was
talking about a new military weapon that uses sonic waves on the
battlefield to burst enemy soldier's chests. One InDUHvidual
in the class spoke up and said, "Well that's stupid! Why don't they
just wear headphones?"
And a few years later, he voted.
=============
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a
seatbelt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
And then she voted.
=================
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases
were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought two
cases. The cashier multiplied two times 10% and gave us a 20%
discount.
And then they all voted.
================
I was hanging out with a real liberal friend of mine when we saw a
woman walk by us with a nose ring attached to an earring by a
chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every
time she turned her head?" I had to explain to her that a
person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way
the head is turned.
And then she voted.
===============
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to
the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because they were
trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she
asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
And then she voted.
A physician dies and goes to heaven, as he approaches the Pearly
Gates he
sees an incredibly long line that doesn't seem to be moving. He
thinks to
himself, "I'm a doctor and I shouldn't have to wait in
line," so he goes
right to head of the line and cuts in. St. Peter is sitting at a
desk
outside the gates writing in a book and looks up when the doc
cuts in. "Hey
you," St. Peter yells, "get back to the end of the
line!" The doctor looks
at him and says, "I'm a physician!" "That doesn't
matter up here," replies
St. Peter, "Everyone is the same. Now get to the end of the
line!"
The doctor, muttering to himself, goes back to the end of the
line and
stands there with the line not moving for what seems like an
eternity. After
a long while a new guy comes walking up wearing a big button
that says,
"Doctor" on it. He strolls up to the front of the
line. St. Peter looks up,
smiles and waves the guy through the Pearly Gates.
The doctor is now furious and thinks St. Peter must have made a
mistake with
him. So he storms up to the front of the line and cuts in again.
St. Peter
looks up very much annoyed, "Didn't I already tell you once
to get to the
end of the line?!" The doctor was now very flustered and
whines, "But that
other guy was a doctor and you let him go right in."
St. Peter now smiles and chuckles. "That wasn't a
doctor," he patiently told
him, "That was God. He just likes to play doctor."
Five doctors went to on a duck hunt: a GP, an OB-BYN, a
psychiatrist, a
surgeon, and a pathologist. After a while a bird came winging
overhead, the GP
raised his shogun but didn’t shoot because he wasn’t
sure if it was a duck or
not. The OB-GYN also raised his gun, but then he wasn’t sure
if it was a male or
female duck, so he didn’t shoot. The psychiatrist raised his
gun and then
thought, I know that’s a duck, but does the duck know
it’s a duck?” The surgeon
was the only one who shot. Boom!! He blew it away. Then he turned
to the
pathologist and said, “Go see if that was a duck.”
Two aliens landed in the
> > > > > > that had been closed for the night.
They approached one of
the
> > > > > > gas pumps and the younger of
the two aliens addressed it,
> > > > > > "Greetings, Earthling. We come
in peace. Take us to your
> > > > > > leader."
> > > > > >
> > > > > > The gas pump (of course) didn't
respond. The younger alien
> > > > > > started to get mad at the lack of
response and the older one
> > > > > > said, "I
> > wouldn't
> > > > do
> > > > > > that if I were you."
> > > > > >
> > > > > > The younger alien ignored the warning
and repeated the
greeting.
> > > > > > Again, there was no response. Annoyed
by what he perceived to
be
> >
> > > > > > the
> > > > > pump's
> > > > > > haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun
and said impatiently,
> > Greetings
> > > > > > Earthling. We come in peace. Do
not ignore us in this way!
Take
> > > > > > us
> > to
> > > > > your
> > > > > > leader, or I will fire."
> > > > > >
> > > > > > The older alien again warned his
comrade, "You don't want to
do
> > > > > > that. You really don't want to
make him mad!"
> > > > > >
> > > > > > "Rubbish," replied the
younger alien.
> > > > > > He aimed his weapon at the pump and
fired.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > There was a huge explosion. A massive
fireball roared outwards
> > > > > > and towards them and blew the younger
alien off his feet and
> > deposited
> > > > him
> > > > > > in a burnt and crumpled mess 200
yards away in a cactus patch.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when
he finally regained
> > > > > > consciousness, refocused his three
eyes and straightened his
> > > > > > bent
> > > > antenna,
> > > > > > he looked dazedly up at the wiser
one, who was standing over
> > > > > > him,
> > > slowly
> > > > > > shaking his big green head.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > "What a ferocious
creature," said the young fried one. "It
damn
> > > > > > near
> > > > > killed
> > > > > > us! How did you know it was so
dangerous?"
> > > > > >
> > > > > > The older alien leaned over, placed a
friendly feeler onto the
> > crispy,
> > > > > > peeling flesh and shared some
knowledge.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > "If there's one thing I've
learned during my travels through
> > > > > > the galaxy," said the wise old
alien, "when a guy has a penis
he
> > can
> > > > wrap
> > > > > > around himself twice and then
stick it in his ear, you don't
> > > > > > mess
> > > with
> > > > > him !!!!!"
> > > > >
Big People Words
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the
first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher
insisted on no baby talk.
"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit
my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a
choo-choo."
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."
She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you
read?"
Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great
pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
Cop
Under Fire
If you ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as
this Cop. A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a
felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the
offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you
trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a room where
you change your clothes in Preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A.
Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life,
that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those
same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with the entire court complex, and
sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
A Friendship Promise
Are you tired of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound
good,
but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of
promises (without those embedded stupid, "cutesey"
graphics that take
forever to download) that really speak of true friendship:
1. When you are sad -- I will help get you drunk and plot revenge
against
the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how
much
worse it could be and tell you to quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I
will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well
again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath...I pledge it
till the end. Why?, you may ask: Because you
are my friend!
Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help
you move a body. (Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.)
Now You Will Know Everything!!!!
> The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for
> bloodplasma.
> No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.
> Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
> You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
> Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age
> or older.
> The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
> The king of hearts is the onl y king without a
mustache.
> American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive
> from each salad served in first-class.
> Venusis the only planet that rotates clockwise.
> Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the
> morning.
> Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
> The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
> So did the first "MarlboroMan."
> Walt Disney was afraid of mice
> Pearls melt in vinegar.
> The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro,
> Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
> It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
> A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
> Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6)
> feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the
> flush (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)
> And the best for last.....Turtles can breathe through their butts.
>
> Now you know everything there is to know
>
> No trees were destroyed in the creation of this E Mail, however many
> electrons were severely inconvenienced!
>
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day
> while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
> suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of
the
> pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save
him. She
> swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
>
> When the Head Nurse Director became aware
of Edna's heroic act
>
> she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as
> she now considered her to be mentally stable.
>
> When she went to tell Edna the news she
said, "Edna, I have
> good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged;
> since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in
> and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your
> act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you
> saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt
> in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
>
> Edna replied "He didn't hang
himself, I put him there to
> dry....
>
> How soon can I go home?"
>
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
GEORGE W BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We
just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road
or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is
no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed
to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!
RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by
unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on
the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a
gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hard-working American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a
government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is
already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road
syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take?
Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax
dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to
build a road for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing
order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a
certain
level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay --- isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the
plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the 'other side'.
That's what they call it, the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay.
And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we Boycott all
chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes
with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken
crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us
the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken
tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a
serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of
crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was a historic inevitability.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2003, which will not only cross roads, but will
lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook, - and
internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
I invented the chicken!
THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS
THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?
An
airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay
flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served
them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down
the aisle and announced to the passengers,
"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that
he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could
just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather
exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines.
I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man
can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said,
"In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, bitch."
How many
of these did your mother teach you????
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're
going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better
pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother
taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I
said so, that's why."
5. My mother
taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."
6. My mother
taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure
you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother
taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying,
and! I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother
taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your
mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother
taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you
look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother
taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit
there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother
taught me about WEATHER.
"This room
of yours looks as if a tornado went through it"
12. My mother
taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told
you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother
taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought
you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother
taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother
taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother
taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother
taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother
taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you
don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother
taught me ESP.
"Put your
sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother
taught me HUMOR.
"When that
lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother
taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're
just like your father."
23. My mother
taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were
born in a barn?"
24. My mother
taught me WISDOM.
"When you
get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. My mother taught me
JUSTICE.
"One day
you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!''
Profiling
Please pause a moment, reflect back, and take the following MultipleChoice
test.... No need to keep score. The events are actual cuts from past history. They
actually happened! Do you remember?
1. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and
massacred by:
a. Olga Corbitt
b. Sitting Bull
c.
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
2. In 1979, the
a. Lost Norwegian! s
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus ful l of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
3. During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in
a. John Dillinger
b. The King of
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
4. In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in
a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
5. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70
year-old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair
by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
6. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at
a. Captain Kidd
b. Charles Lindberg
c. Mother ! Teresa
d. Muslim male extremist s mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
7. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
8. In 1993 the
a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
9. In 1998, the
a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary Clinton, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems
c. The World Wrestling Federation
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
10. On
a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Co yote, Daffy Duck and Elmer
Fudd
b. The Supreme Court of Florida
c. Mr. Bean
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
11. In 2002 the
a. Enron
b. The
c. The NFL
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
12. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
a. Bonnie and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
Nope, I really don't see a pattern here to justify profiling, do you?
So, to ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent
upon killing us, airport security screeners will no longer be allowed to
profile certain people. They must conduct random searches of 80-year-old women,
little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, Secret gents who are
members of the President's security detail, 85-year! old Congressmen with metal
hips, and Medal of Honor winning former Governors, and leave Muslim Males
between the ages 17 & 40 alone because of profiling.
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE
>
PARTS I 2 3
>
>
>
> What do you call two
Mexicans playing basketball?
>
>
Juan on Juan.
>
>
>
> What is a Yankee?
>
> The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it
alone.
>
>
>
>
> What is the difference between a
Harley and a
>
>
The position of the dirt bag.
>
>
>
>
> Why is divorce so expensive?
>
>
>
>
Because it's worth it.
>
>
>
>
>
> What's the fluid capacity of
Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
>
>
One
>
>
> What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough
Boy! bends over?
>
>
Doughnuts.
>
>
>
Why is air a lot like sex?
>
> Because it's no big deal unless
you're not getting any.
>
>
>
Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
>
>
Because Janet Reno is her real father.
>
>
> What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians
in a room
>
together?
>
>
100 people who don't do dick.
>
>
> SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART
II (JUST WARMING UP!)
>
>
What do you call a smart blonde?
>
>
A golden retriever.
>
>
> What do
attorneys use for birth control?
>
>
Their personalities.
>
> What's the difference between a
girlfriend and wife?
>
>
45 lbs.....
>
>
> A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are
all in third grade.
>
Who has the biggest boobs?
>
>
The blonde, because she's 18.
>
>
> Why don't bunnies make
noise when they have sex?
>
>
Because they have cotton balls.
>
>
> What's the difference
between a porcupine and BMW?
>
> A porcupine
has the pricks on the outside.
>
>
> What did the blonde say when she found out she
was pregnant?
>
>
Are you sure it's mine?"
>
>
> What's the difference between Beer
Nuts and Deer Nuts?
>
> Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are
always under a buck.
>
>
>
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
>
>
Mace will do that to you.
>
>
> Why do men find it
difficult to make eye contact?
>
>
Breasts don't have eyes.
>
>
> Did
you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
>
>
He walks around saying "Yo."
>
>
> Why do drivers'! education classes in
Redneck schools use
> the car only on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays?
>
>
Because on Tuesday and Thursday,
>
the Sex Ed class uses it.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III
(Just Great Stuff)
>
>
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
>
>
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
>
>
> Where does an
Irish family go on vacation?
>
>
A different bar.
>
>
> What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
>
>
A speech impediment.
>
>
> What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
>
>
They're hiring.
>
>
> What's the difference between a southern zoo and a
northern zoo?
>
> A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of
the cage
>
along with... "a recipe".
>
>
> How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the
F... word?
>
> Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady
to yell *BINGO*!
>
>
> What's the difference between a northern fairytale and
a southern
>
fairytale?
>
> A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A
southern fairytale
> begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this!
shit..."
>
>
> Why
is there no
>
> No one's tall
enough to go on the good rides
>
>
PALM
SUNDAY:
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY
AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH
WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL
PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD
THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."
"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I
DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"
CHILDREN'S
SERMON:
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE
CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT
AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN
HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED.
"PANTYHOSE!"
SUPPORT
A FAMILY:
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A
FAMILY?"
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING
TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR
YOURSELVES."
GRANDMA'S
AGE:
LITTLE
JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMAHOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU
BE IF YOU LET GO?"
FIRST
TIME USHERS:
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND
THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME
DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE."
PRAYERS:
THE SUNDAY
SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE
EATING?""NO SIR," HE REPLIED, "WE DON'T HAVE
TO. MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"
CLIMB THE
WALLS:
"OH,
I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS
MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING
US."
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.
"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO
VISIT" THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.
THE MOOD
RING:
MY
HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTHER DAY. WHEN I'M IN A GOOD MOOD IT TURNS
GREEN. WHEN I'M IN A BAD MOOD,IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD.
THE
WATER PISTOL:
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD
SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER
PISTOL.. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT
YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER
GUNS?" MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I
REMEMBER."
LIFE AFTER
DEATH:
"DO
YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS
EMPLOYEES.
"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT
ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S
FUNERAL,SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!
on Monica
Lewenski...
Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week.
It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her
hands and knees.
on Vegetarians...
Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning
"lousy hunter".
on Prisoners...
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner?
Jeez, for forty thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few prisoners into my house.
I live in
should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run
twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And, if they don't
want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
on Fabric Softeners...
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for.Then I
noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,
"Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how our wives mark
their
territory. We can take off the ring. But, it's hard to get that April Fresh
scent out of your clothes.
on man & wife morning differences...
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the
morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are
thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's
because we
can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
on cripes...
My wife had a very religious upbringing. Very wholesome. She uses
words like 'Cripes' 'For Cripes sake.' Who would that be; Jesus Cripes? The
son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not
making fun of it. You
think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
on Grandma...
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car
that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother
that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she
got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
on answering machines...
Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on someone's answering
machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope
you
are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." BEEP
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive,
your
test results are back. Stop sharing the love.."
Three gay men died, and were going to
be cremated. Their lovers happened
to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they
planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and
scatter his ashes in the sky."
The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to
scatter his
ashes in our favorite lake."
The third man said, "My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to
dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time
Why FISHING is better than SEX:
20 - No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still fish.
19 - A limp rod is still useful while fishing.
18 - You don't have to hide your fishing magazines.
17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to fish with you once
in a while.
16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against fishing.
15 - If your partner takes pictures or video tapes of you fishing, you
don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become
famous.
14 - Your fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you fished
with long ago.
13 - It's perfectly respectable to fish with a total stranger.
12 - When you see a really good fishing person, you don't have to feel
guilty about imagining the two of you fishing together.
11 - If your regular fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't
object if you fish with someone else.
10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you fish by
yourself.
09 - When dealing with a fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they
are really an undercover cop.
08 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to
buy fishing stuff.
07 - You can have a fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell
fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to fish with you without getting
sued for harassment.
06 - There are no fishing-transmitted diseases.
05 - If you want to watch fishing on television, you don't have to pay to
watch it in blocks of a few hours.
04 - Nobody expects you to fish with the same partner for the rest of
your life.
03 - Nobody expects you to give up fishing if your partner loses
interest in it.
02 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to
enjoy fishing.
01 - Your fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just fished
last week! Is fishing all you ever think about?"
Dear Tech
Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new
program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and
valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches
during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as PokerNight 10.3, Drunken Boys
Night 2.5 and Monday Night football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system
whenever selected.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some
of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend
7.0, but un-install does not work on this program.
Can you help me, please? Otherwise, I'm in a spot.
Thanks, Joe
Dear Joe:
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary
misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with
the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT"
program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.
It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to
Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause
Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the
system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife
1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0
or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.
I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having
Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section
regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs).
You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur,
regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the
command C:\APOLOGIZE. The system will run smoothly as long as you take
the blame for all the GPFs.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying
additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend
Flowers 2.1, Flowers 2.2, Big Flowers 2.3 and Chocolates 5.0.
Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This
is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible
damage to the operating system.
Best of luck
Tech Support
Dear Tech Support,
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend
and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version
of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary
application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've
tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies
won'tcrash if GirlFriend is
run in background mode and the sound is turned off.
But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the
sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.
Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program,often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing
incompatibility.
I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend
1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend
2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has
had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I
probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend
2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right
assoon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta.
All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me
a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for while. I
very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time
I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It
worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend
1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend
1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that
automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend
and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of
both versions.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some
problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is
written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram.
Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather
than the desired functionality.
Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually
have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend
is totally "object-oriented."
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0,
which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend.
He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within
a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he
did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as
a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything
else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it
came bundled with FreeSexPlus.
Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0
sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus,
particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must
be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he
did not ask for it, Wife1.0 came with MotherInLaw
Beta which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.
I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if
you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then
Mistress 1.0 would uninstall anyway because of insufficient resources. Looking
for your advice on how to sort all this out.
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0
and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system
performance - particularly in the flower and jewellery
applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other
valuable programs,such as Romance 9.5 and Personal
Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs
such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0. and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6
simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging
5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
======================================================
Answer :
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment
Package,while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved
Me.htm" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget
to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application
works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and
Flowers 3.5. But remember, over use of the above
application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy
Silence 2.5. Whatever you do, DO NOT install
Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background,
that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources).
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0
program. These are unsupported applications and will
crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great
program, but it does have limited memory and cannot
learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and
performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie
7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
A Mexican drinks his Tequila and suddenly throws his glass in the
air,
> pulls out a pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Mexico
our
> glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one
twice."
> An Iraqi obviously impressed by this, drinks his camel beer, throws his
> glass into the air, pulls out his AK 47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He
> says "In
> to drink out of the same glass twice either." A
> cucumber, picks up his Miller Lite and drinks
it, throws his glass into
the
> air, pulls out his M-9 Beretta and shoots the Mexican and the
Iraqi. He
> says "In
> drink with the same ones twice." HOO RAH !
Employee to boss on phone:
"Boss, I don't think I'm gonna make it in
today."
Boss: "Why, what seems to be the
trouble?"
Employee: "Well, I think I've
come down with anal glaucoma."
Boss: "Anal glaucoma?? What the
hell is anal glaucoma?!"
Employee: "Well, I just can't
see my ass comin' to work today."
TV anchorwoman Barbara Walters did a
story on gender roles in
several years before the Gulf War. She
noted that women customarily
walked several feet behind their
husbands. In a follow-up story,, she
returned to
their wives. Ms. Walters approached one
of the women and said, "This
is marvelous!! Can you tell the free
world just what it was that
enabled women here to achieve this
reversal of custom?" The lady
responded, "Land Mines.
To prepare for his big date the young
man went on top of
the roof of his apartment building in
order to get a little
color for himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he
sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately he fell asleep while
on the roof and sunburned his
Johnson.
Being very determined the young man
decided not to miss his
date, because it was a hot blonde.
So, he put some lotion
on his manhood and wrapped it in
gauze, feeling this should
resolve his painful situation.
The blonde showed up for the date at
his apartment, and the
young man treated her to a home
cooked dinner, after which
they went into the living room to
watch a movie.
During the movie, however the young
man's sunburn started
acting up. After several minutes of extreme
discomfort he
asked to be excused. A friend had told him that milk was
very effective in reducing sunburn
pain so he went to the
kitchen, and poured a tall cold glass
of milk.
He then placed his sunburned member
in the milk and
experienced immediate relief.
The blonde, however, wondering what
he was doing, wandered
into the kitchen to find him with his
"tool" immersed in
the glass of milk.
With a look of understanding the
Blonde exclaimed, "So
that's how you load those things."
THE NAKED JOGGER
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at
work. One wet and windy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to
her
horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my
God -
Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump
out the
window. My husband's home
early!"
"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from
beneath the sheets "It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she
replied. "He's got a
very quick temper and a very large gun; the rain
is
the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps
out the window! As he
began running down the street in the pouring
rain,
he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's
annual
marathon. So he started
running along beside the others, about 300 of
them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in
as
best he could.
After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been
studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in
the
nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so
wonderfully
free!"
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying
your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I
can get
dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried.
"Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope.........just
when it's raining."
His name was Fleming, and he was a
poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he
heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools
and ran to the bog. There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified
boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad
from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.
The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings...
An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father
of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.
"I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's
life."
"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer
replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the
door of the family hovel.
"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.
"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.
"I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my
own son w! ill enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt
grow to be a man we both will be proud of." And that he did. Farmer
Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St
Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known
throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of
Penicillin.
Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was
stricken with pneumonia.
What saved his life this time? Penicillin.
The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name?
Sir Winston Churchill.
Someone once said: What goes around comes around.
NOW I
KNOW WHY I LIKE THE IRISH:
The following
is the transcription of the actual radio conversation between the British and
the Irish off the coast of
Irish:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
British:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid
a collision.
Irish:
Negative: You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South
to avoid a collision.
British:
This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert your
course.
Irish:
Negative: You will have to divert your course.
British:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER H.M.S. BRITANNIA, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND
NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I
DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR
COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE
TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP!
IRISH: WE ARE A LIGHTHOUSE ........ YOUR
CALL...................................
These are
the top 17 bumper stickers that everyone wants to see......
Jesus
loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.
The
proctologist called
...they
found your head.
Everyone
has a photographic memory
...some
just don't have any film.
Save your
breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
Your
ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
I used to
have a handle
on
life...but it broke off.
WANTED:
Meaningful overnight relationship.
Guys...just
because you have one,
doesn't
mean you have to be one.
Some
people just don't know how to drive...
I call
these people "Everybody But Me,"
Heart
Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.
Don't
like my driving?
Then quit
watching me.
If you
can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
Some
people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Try not
to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.
Hang up
and drive!!
And The
Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!!
Welcome
to
Breast-fed
OR Bottle-fed
A woman and a baby were in the
doctor's examining room waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a
little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle fed.
"Breast-fed" she replied. "Well, strip down to your
waist," the doctor
ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed,kneaded,
and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is
underweight.
You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I
came."
> > > DRUNK AGAIN
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > A good-ole-boy
staggered home late after another evening with his
> > >
> > > drinking buddies.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > Shoes in left hand
to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly
> > >
> > > as he could toward
the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom,
> > >
> > > but misjudged the
bottom step in the darkened entryway.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > As he caught
himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around
> > >
> > > and he landed heavily
on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back
> > >
> > > pocket broke and
made the landing especially painful.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > Managing to
suppress a yelp, he sprung up, pulled down his pants
> > >
> > > and examined his lacerated
and bleeding cheeks in a mirror of a
> > >
> > > nearby darkened
hallway, then managed to find a large full box
> > >
> > > of band-aids
before proceeding to place a patch as best he could
> > >
> > > on each place he
saw blood.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > After hiding the
now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and
> > >
> > > stumble his way to
bed.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > Morning, he
awakens with screaming pain in head and butt to find
> > >
> > > his wife staring
at him from across the room, and hears her say:
> > >
> > > "You were
drunk again last night!!!" Forcing himself to ignore his
> > >
> > > agony, he looked
meekly at her and replied: "Now, Hon, why
> > >
> > > would you say such
a mean thing?"
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > "Well,"
she said, "there is the front door left open, the glass at the
> > >
> > > bottom of the
stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house,
> > >
> > > and your bloodshot
eyes but, mostly . . . .
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > it's all those
band-aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"
> > > >THE HUSBAND STORE
> > > >
> > > >A store that sells husbands has just opened in
> > > >
> > > >a husband from among many men. The store
> > > >is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase
> > > >in positive attributes as the shopper ascends
> > > >the flights.
> > > >
> > > >There is however, a catch. As you open the
> > > >door to any floor you may choose a man from
> > > >that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot
> > > >go back down except to exit the building.
> > > >
> > > >So a woman goes to the shopping center to find
> > > >a husband.
> > > >
> > > > First floor - Sign reads:
> > > >
> > > > Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
> > > >
> > > >The woman reads the sign and says to herself,
> > > >"Well, that's better than my
> > > >last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"
> > > >So up she goes.
> > > >
> > > > Second floor - Sign reads:
> > > >
> > > > Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love, kids.
> > > >
> > > >The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I
> > > >wonder what's further up?"
> > > >And up she goes again.
> > > >
> > > > Third floor - Sign reads:
> > > >
> > > > Floor 3 - These men have jobs; loves kids and are
> > > >extremely good looking.
> > > >
> > > >"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's
upstairs?"
> > > >
> > > > Fourth floor - Sign reads:
> > > >
> > > > Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are
> > > >extremely good looking and help with the housework.
> > > >
> > > >"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting.
BUT,
> > > >there must be more further up!"
> > > >And again she heads up another flight.
> > > >
> > > > Fifth floor - Sign reads:
> > > >
> > > > Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are
> > > >extremely good looking, help with the housework
> > > >and have a strong romantic streak.
> > > >
> > > >"Oh, mercy me! But just think . . . what must be
> > > >awaiting me further on?"
> > > >So up to the sixth floor she goes.
> > > >
> > > > Sixth floor - Sign reads:
> > > >
> > > > Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this
> > > >floor. There are no men on this floor.
> > > >This floor exists solely as proof that women are
> > > >impossible to please. Thank you for shopping
> > > >Husband Mart and have a nice day . . .
> How many men does it take
to open a
beer?
> None. It should be opened by the time
she brings it.
>
> ------------------------------------------------
-------------------
>
> Why is a Laundromat a really bad place
to pick up a woman?
>
> Because a woman who can't even afford
a washing machine will
> probably never be able to support you.
>
> ------------------------------------------------
--------------------
>
> Why do women have smaller feet than
men?
> It's one of those "evolutionary
things" that allows them to
> stand closer to the kitchen sink.
>
> ------------------------------------------------
-------------------
>
> How do you know when a woman is about
to say something smart?
> When she starts her sentence with
"A
man once told me..."
>
> ------------------------------------------------
-------------------
>
> How do you fix a woman's watch?
> You don't. There is a clock on the
oven.
>
> ------------------------------------------------
-------------------
>
> Why do men break wind more than women?
> Because women can't shut up long
enough to build up the
> required
> pressure.
>
> ------------------------------------------------
-------------------
>
> If your dog is barking at the back
door and your wife is
> yelling
> at the front door, who do you let in
first?
> The dog, of course. He'll shut up once
you let him in.
>
> ------------------------------------------------
-------------------
>
> What's worse than a Male Chauvinist
Pig?
> A woman who won't do what she's told.
>
> ------------------------------------------------
-------------------
>
> I married Miss Right. I just didn't
know her first name was
> Always.
>
> ------------------------------------------------
-------------------
>
> Scientists have discovered a food that
diminishes a woman's sex
>
> drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding
Cake.
>
> ------------------------------------------------
-------------------
>
> Why do men die before their wives?
> They want to.
>
> ------------------------------------------------
-------------------
>
> Women will never be equal to men until
they can walk down the
> street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they
> are
> sexy.
>
> ------------------------------------------------
-------------------
>
> In the beginning, God created the
earth and rested.
> Then God created Man and rested.
> Then God created Woman.
> Since then, neither God nor Man has
rested.>
>There
is a story about a popular young Baptist preacher, who
>on
Sunday morning announces to the congregation that he will
>not
renew his contract, and is moving on to a larger
>congregation
that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one
>wants
him to leave.
>
>Brother
William (Bubba) Scoles, who owns several car dealer-
>ships,
stands up and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll
>provide
him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife
>with
a minivan, to transport their children!" The congregation
>amens, and applauds.
>
>Brother
Billy Bob Tindall, the entrepreneur and investor,
>stands
and says, "If the preacher stays, I'll double his
>salary,
and establish a foundation to guarantee the college
>education
of his children!!" More amens and applause.
>
>Sister
Ella May Rouse, aged 70, stands and announces, "If the
>preacher
stays, I'll give him sex!"
>
>There
is a hush. The preacher, blushing, asks, "Sister Ella
>May,
whatever possessed you to say that?"
>
>Sister
Ella May answers, "I just asked my husband how we could
>help,
and he said, 'Screw the preacher.'"
>Man Who Loved Baked Beans
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she\'ll never go
through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.
All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, \"Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!\" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, \"SURPRISE!!!\"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.
> > Subject: Execution
> >
> >
> > > These three women go down to
> > > in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the
morning,
> though
> > > none of them can remember what they did the night before.
> > >
> > > The first one, a brunette, is strapped in the electric chair,
and is
> > > asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from the
> > > of Divinity, and I believe in the almighty power of God to
intervene
on
> > > the behalf of the innocent."
> > >
> > > They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God
must not
> > > want this woman to die, and they let her go.
> > >
> > > The second one, a redhead, is strapped in and gives her last
words, "I
> > > am from the University of Tennessee School of Law and I believe
in the
> > > power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
> > >
> > > They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. They figure
that the
> > > law is on this woman's side, so they let her go.
> > >
> > > The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm
a
> > >
now,
> > > you ain't gonna
electrocute nobody if you don't connect those two
> > > wires right there."
> LAST...CHILD..SUPPORT..PAYMENT....
> >
> > Today is my daughters 18th birthday.......
> > I'm so glad that this is my last damn child support payment.
> > Month after month, year after year, those ...damn payments!
> >
> > So I called my baby girl to come over to my house, and when she got
> > there, I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last
check
over
> > to your mothers house and tell that her that this is the last damn
check
> > she's ever going to get from me, and then I want you to come back and
> > tell me the expression on her face."
> >
> > So my baby girl took the check over to her. I was so anxious to
hear
> > what the bitch had to say and what she looked like.
> >
> > As my baby girl walked though the door, I said, "Now what did
she have
> > to say?"
> >
> > "She told me to tell you that you ain't
my daddy..."
And, now...
> For the year-end Stock Market Report:
>>> > >
>>> > >
>>> > > Helium was up
>>> > > Feathers were down
>>> > > Paper was stationary
>>> > > Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading
>>> > > Knives were up sharply
>>> > > Cows steered into a bull market
>>> > > Pencils lost a few points
>>> > > Hiking equipment was trailing
>>> > > Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow
decline
>>> > > Weights were up in heavy trading
>>> > > Light switches were off
>>> > > Mining equipment hit rock bottom
>>> > > Diapers remain unchanged
>>> > > Shipping lines stayed at an even keel
>>> > > The market for raisins dried up
>>> > > Coca Cola fizzled
>>> > > Caterpillar stock inched up a bit
>>> > > Sun peaked at midday
>>> > > Balloon prices were inflated
>>> > > And, Scott Tissue touched a new bottom
>>> > >
The
following scale has been developed in close cooperation with the AARC and NBRC.
It
is designed to test if you have spent too much time as a Respiratory Therapist,
and
whether you are having
adverse side effects due to prolonged exposure. Score one point for each
statement that applies to
you.
1:
You have ever said "Shapiro is god"
2: you
have ever said "Egan is god"
3 you know
who Egan and Shapiro are
4 You can
discuss sputum over a meal
5 You
enjoy discussing sputum over a meal in a crowded cafateria,
and take pride in the distance non RTs move away
6
You own a bunch of pens from various medical supply companies/vendors.
7 You
don't know where you got the pens
8 You
think the pens are really cool
9 At some
point in your career you have realized you were holding a pen that you didn't own,
and couldn't remember where it came from
10 you
never rewrite the facilities RT work sheets
11 You
always rewrite the facilities RT worksheets
12 you
haven't had a date in 3 months
13 you
haven't had a date since entering RT school
14 you
have not been able to remember the normal term for something because
you were thinking of
the medical term (ie reflux for heartburn)
15 You have ever argued with a Doctor
16 You
answer Doctors questions like your talking to a 2 year old
17 You
have ever had a Doctor stop you in the middle of answering their question
18 You
think residents are arrogant and ignorant
19
Residents think you are arrogant and ignorant
20 PIP is
not a mark on a die
21 MAP is
not a thing used for navigation
22 You
spend more than 15 hrs a week on e-mail
23 You didn't study for your boards at all
24 You
worked a 12 hour night shift in ER the night before your boards
25 When
you hear a slurping sound you do not think of spagetti
26 When
someone is eating spagetti it reminds you of
something else
27 You
have ever looked for sputum on a ceiling
28 You
think sputum on a ceiling is really funny
29 You
don't understand why others don't
30 You
have ever argued with a Nurse
31 You
answer Nurses questions like your talking to a 10 year old
32 You
have ever had a Nurse stop you in the middle of answering their question
33 You
think Nurses are arrogant
34 Nurses
think you are arrogant
35 You
take perverse delight in setting up the Servo instead of the 7200 and watching
the Nurses roll their eyes, and groan
36 More
than one Doctor knows you by name
37 You
spend more than 15 hrs a week on e-mail
38 You use
more than 5 acronyms an hour when talking
39 You've
ever been sexually aroused by the breast shadow on an X ray
40 You
know the normal ABG values
50 You
know the normal Spirometry/PFT values
51 You
know the alveolar air eqaution
52 You
know about the "magic box"
53 You
can't remember what you had for breakfast
54
"SOB" means short of breath to you
55 You
have ever said "This may hurt a little"
56 You
knew perfectly well it would hurt a whole lot
57 You
know about the red trucks
58
you habitually look up anything you don't know
59
You can't live without a copy of Egan's Fundamentals of Respiratory care nearby
60
You carry one of the Dana Oaks guides at all times.
61 Your
name is written on it
62 You
would carry all three but they won't fit in your pockets
63 You
have been exposed to every major communicable disease but only ever get the
flu, or sinusitis
64 You
think a stethoscope is a fashion accessory
65 You
think having three jobs is normal
66 when
someone in your family blows their nose or coughs something up you want to know
what color it is
67 When
you blow your nose or cough something up you look at it
68 You have
ever responded to a situation which caused everyone else to gag, and run out of
the room by saying "Cool!", and grinning maniacly
69 You
habitually do not stand directly in front of trach
patients
70 You
think it's funny when others do
71 You
think you own the Ventilators
72 You
refer to them as "my vents"
73 You
don't like non RTs touching "your vents"
74 You
have ever not known what day it was while you were working
75 You
have failed the orientation x3 test while working
76 You
were giving yourself the test
77
You have ever jumped out of bed, late for work and rushed through getting ready
only to realize it was your day off
78 You
have gotten as far as driving to work and clocking in before realizing it was
your day off
79 You
have ever been picked up for work by the national gaurd
when your state was shutdown due to snow/inclement weather
80 You are
not allowed to be sick, and calling in dead will require extensive
documentation
81 You
have ever been a patient in your own facility, and been visited by your boss to
see when you would return to work
82 You
don't understand the phrase "go to lunch"
83 A
manager has told you "We are not accepting your resignation."
84 You
have ever been told that you cannot take vacation
85 You
have been called in to work on your day off
86 You
have been called in to work on your vacation
87 You
have caller ID, and an answering machine, and you won't answer the phone unless
it's your mother
88
Everyone in your household, including the dog, has been trained to say
"He's not here right now, may I take a message"
89 you buy
a new edition of Egan's Fundamentals of Respiratory care whenever one is
released
90 the
word "bag" does not refer to an implement for carryng
groceries
91 Your
favorite clothes are scrubs
92 You have
debated between giving up sleep or eating in order to find more
time to work
93 PITA is
not a food product
94 You
don't trust anyone who isn't a working therapist
95 You
wash your hands before and after everything you do, except patient care
96 the
word "tube" does not refer to television
97
Whatever the Doctors, and Nurses are doing to a patient is the opposite of what
you think should be done, and it's being done too slowly
98 You
know the difference between the green and yellow flowmeters
99 You own
one or more pulse oximeters
100 they
all have "Return to Respiratory Therapy" written on them
101 You
have no clue where you got them
102 You
have the symptoms of alzheimers, but don't actually
have alzheimers(you can remember things from 10 years
ago clearly, but things 3 hours ago are fuzzy)
103 You
know all of your patients names and room numbers, all of their O2 and vent
settings, all of their vital signs and breath sounds, all of their therapy,
equipment change dates and diagnosis, but you can't remember your
anniversary or your mother in laws birthday
104 You
clean everything with alcohol, even at home
105 You
refer to your lab coat as "armor"
106 You
find medical paraphenalia in your pockets when you do
laundry
107 You
have run unit doses through the washing machine
108 GOMER
is not a funny guy on tv reruns
109 when
you fly, you look closely at the oxygen mask during the safety lecture to see
what kind it is
110 You
have ever said that trauma patient "Came unassembled"
111 You
hate ER and Third Watch, but love MASH
112 you
offer criticism during medical scenes in TV shows and movies
113 Your
family has banned you from speaking during any medical scene in TV shows or
movies
114 You
think retirement means cutting back to 36 hours a week
115 You
have gone to school for at least one other career but remained an RT
116 Your
on the caffiene and nicotine diet
117 You
have lectured someone about smoking while holding a cigarrette
118
Someone has taken a picture of you smoking in front of the no smoking sign on the
liquid oxygen tank at your facility
Scale
<20 - You're not an RT. Go back to your party and
leave us alone. We have work to do.
20-35 Your either a manager or a supervisor
35-45 Gotta love that Primary Care
45-60 Gotta love that Criticle
Care
60-75 Your
social life is shot, might as well try to pay the child support, and alimony
75-90 your
a lifer
90-100 All
hail, great RT Nerd master
100-110
You shouldn't burn the dynamite at both ends
111+ your
burned to a crisp, time to try home health
COW THEORY
DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You
feel guilty for being
successful. You vote people into office who put a
tax on your cows
forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay
the tax. The people you voted
for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give
it to your neighbor.
You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for
you.
SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes one and
gives it to your
neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage
his cow.
REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
COMMUNIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and
provides you with
milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it. It is
expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull and
build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to
the point you have to
sell both to support a man in a foreign country
who has only one cow, that
was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them
both, shoots one, milks
the other, pays you for the milk and then pours
the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to
yourself and do an
IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to
produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You
spin an announcement to the
analysts stating that you have downsized and are
reducing expenses. Your stock
goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you
want three cows. You
go to lunch. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of
an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the
milk. They learn to travel
on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the
top of their class at cow
school.
ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they
are. While ambling
around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for
lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you
have five cows. You
have some more vodka. You count them again and
learn that you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn that you have 12
cows. You stop counting
cows and open another bottle of vodka. You
produce your 10th five-year plan in
the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes
over however many cows you
really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION:
You have all the cows in
two. You don't milk
them because you cannot touch any creature's
private parts.
POLISH CORPORATION:
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly
maimed and killed
attempting to milk them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION:
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone
votes for the best
looking one. Some people, who like the brown one
best, vote
for the black one.
Some people vote for both. Some people vote for
neither. Some people can't
figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch
of guys from out-of-state
tell you which is the best-looking one.
The following scale has been developed in close cooperation with
the UVA
psychiatry services. It
is designed to test if you have spent too much time in medical school and
whether you are having
adverse side effects due to prolonged exposure. Score one point for each
statement that applies to
you.
1 You have ever said "Netter is god".
2 You can discuss autopsy/anatomy over a meal
3 You own a 4 color pen
4 -it just isn't enough colors for you
5 You use more than one color to take notes
6 You have use up more than 6 highlighters in the past 6 months
7 you have ever highlighted something YOU wrote
8 you retype handouts given in class
9 you haven't had a date in 3 months
10 you haven't had a date since entering med school
11 you have not been able to remember the normal term for something because
you were thinking of
the medical term (ie reflux for heartburn)
12 You get more sleep in lecture than at home
13 You know the correct spelling for pruritus
14 - you also know what it means
15 You have ever asked a question in class
16 - The prof. didn't understand the question
17 - you didn't believe the answer the prof. gave
18 - you went to look it up to see if they were right
19 You can't hold a conversation on anything other than med school
20 You skip class to study
21 You've said you didn't do well on a test on which you beat the mean
22 You spend more than 15 hrs a week on e-mail
23 You have a callous on you finger from writing
24 More than one professor knows you by name
25 When you ask a question, a new professor has said "Oh, I've heard of
you"
26 You can name more amino acids than past presidents
27 You use more than 5 acronyms an hour when talking
28 you actually know what PERRLA stands for
29 You know all the steps of the TCA cycle
30 You do not read PTA as parent teachers association
31 You can remember the muscles in the forearm
32 You know the strucures in the urea cycle
33 You know the dermatome distribution
34 You can't remember what you had for breakfast
35 You can't spell world, much less backwards
36 You've ever been sexually aroused by the breast shadow on an X ray
37 You equate "morning stiffness" with Rhematoid
Artheritis
38 You actually know normal values for plasma Na
39 -K
40 Missing class causes you extreme stress
41 You have seriously asked someone "So how does that make you feel?"
42 You have asked will this be on the exam
43 -Just after the prof. said it wouldn't
44 You identify with Deb on E.R.
45 You have made a medical joke
46 -no one laughed
47 -You figure they just weren't that far in their studying
48 You wear your stethescope around your neck on the
bus
49 - you don't even know which way the thing goes in your ears
50 "SOB" means short of breath to you
51 You have gone to student health with suspicion of a disease you have studied
52 -within 3 days of the lecture
53 You have answered a question in class
54 -asked by the professor
55 -it was a rhetorical question
56 You can quote lines from the movie "Malice"
57 -you believe them
58 You can flip your pen over your thumb
59 - with both hands
60 - you do so throughout class
61 You have corrected a professor in class
62 -the rest of the class didn't understand the lecture to begin with
63 You know how to calculate specificity
64 -positive predictive value
65 - anion gap
66 -you can't balance your checkbook
67 You don't know what the weather was like for the past week
68 You don't know what the weather is like right now
69 You actually talk in open ended questions
70 DIC isn't a slang term for the penis in your book
71 You think B- is a bad grade
72 you have stressed about a pass/fail class
73 You study during most of your meals
74 You saw nothing abnormal about the Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
75 You draw all of the slides not already provided in the handouts
76 -including the cartoons (humourous type)
77 Anatomy makes you hungry
78 You would even consider saying "Ease back on my finger at your own
pace"
79 You know the size of a RBC
80 - you don't know the size of a football field
81 Your eyesight has worsened by 10 pts or more in the last year
82 You have the library hours memorized
83 Hou have your own seat in the library
84 You score more than 95 on the Epidemiology final
85 You own more than one white coat
86 You have debated between giving up sleep or eating in order to find more
time to study
87 You started studying for boards more than 2 months in advance
88 You have never received a personal invitation to discuss your grades
with the dean
89 A tie is the only addition necessary to what you normally wear when you
go to see patients
90 You wear scrubs to tests
91 You have made plans to study on a beach during vacation
92 - you actually did
93 You have a designated seat in lecture
94 - You have ever asked someone to move from "your seat"
95 You sleep less than 4 hrs a night
96 -you think that is plenty
97 -you have thought about cutting back
98 You study more than 35 hrs outsid of class
99 -you think you are a slackard
100 You think everyone answers yes to most of these questions
Scale
<20 - You're not in Med school. Go back to your party and
leave us alone. We have work to do.
20-35 Either Med school is a breeze or you like the sound of
"Senor doctor"
35-45 Gotta love that Primary Care
45-60 Well, I never really thought about MD/Phd, but
now that
you mention it...
60-75 Your social life is shot, might as well try to earn lots
of money
75-90 Which surgery subspecialty did you say you liked?
90 All hail, great Med School Nerd master.
>
>
>
> > Cathy walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for
>
> > > some arsenic.
>
> > >
>
> > > The pharmacist asks "What for?"
>
> > >
>
> > > She says "I want to kill my husband, Paul".
>
> > >
>
> > > He says "Sorry, I can't do that."
>
> > >
>
> > > She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo
>
> > > of Paul in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
>
> > >
> > > > He says,
"You didn't tell me you had a prescription.
BE STRONG HONEY!
>A
man escapes from a prison where he had been
kept for 15 years. As he
runs
> away, he finds a house and breaks into it
looking for money and guns but
>only finds a young couple in bed. He orders
the guy out of bed and ties
him
>up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the
bed he gets on top of
her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and
goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his
wife: "Listen, this guy is
an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He
probably spent lots of
time in jail, and hasn't seen a man in years. I
saw how he kissed
your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't
complain, just do
what he
>tells you, just give him satisfaction. This
guy must be dangerous, if
he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey,
I love you".
>To which the wife responds, "He was not
kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay,
thought you were cute,
and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the
bathroom. Be strong, honey.
I love you, too."
> > > The Perfect Couple
> > >
> > > Once: upon a time, a perfect man and a
perfect woman met. After a
perfect
> > > courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
> > >
> > > Their life together was, of course,
perfect.
> > >
> > > One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this
perfect couple was driving
their
> > > perfect car along a winding road, when
they noticed someone at the
side of
> > > the road in distress. Being the perfect
couple, they stopped to
> > > help.
> > >
> > > There stood Santa Claus with a huge
bundle of toys. Not wanting to
> > > disappoint any children on the eve of
Christmas, the perfect
> > > couple
loaded
> > > Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving
> > > along delivering the toys.
> > >
> > > Unfortunately, the driving conditions
deteriorated and the perfect
couple
> > > and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one
of them survived the
accident.
> > >
> > > Question: Who was the survivor?
> > > (Scroll down for the answer. Trust me,
it's worth it)
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's
the only one who really
existed
> > > in the first place. Everyone knows there
is no Santa Claus and
> > > there
is no
> > > such thing as a perfect man.
> > > **** Women stop reading here, that is the
end of the joke. Men
> > > keep scrolling.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > So, if there is no perfect man and no
Santa Claus, the woman must
have
been
> > > driving. This explains why there was a
car accident.
> > > Men Keep scrolling
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > By the way, if you're a woman and you're
still reading, this
illustrates
> > > another point: Women never listen.
Here's some refreshing news:
> > > > > > > > According to the Alaska Department of
Fish and Game,
> > > > > > > > while both male and female reindeer
grow antlers in
> > > > > > > > the summer each year, male reindeer
drop their antlers
> > > > > > > > at the beginning of winter, usually
late November to
> > > > > > > > mid-December. Female reindeer retain
their antlers
> > > > > > > > till after they give birth in the
spring.
>
> > > > > > > > Therefore, according to every
historical rendition
> > > > > > > > depicting Santa's reindeer, every
single one of them,
> > > > > > > > from Rudolph to Blitzen-
had to be a girl.
>
> > > > > > > > We should've known. Only women, while
pregnant, would
> > > > > > > > be able to drag a fat man in a red
velvet suit all
> > > > > > > > around the world in one night and not
get lost.
THE CLASS
OF 2007
Just in case you weren't feeling old enough
today, this will certainly change things. Each
year the staff at
puts together a list to try to give the Faculty a
sense of the mindset of this year's incoming
freshman.
Here is this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall
across the nation were born in 1985.
They have no meaningful recollection of the
Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever
been shot.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War
was waged.
There has been only one Pope in their lifetime.
They were 10 when the
and do not remember the Cold War.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle
blowing up.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and
plastic.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.
The statement "You sound like a broken record"
means nothing to them.
They have never owned a record player.
They have likely never played Pac Man and have
never heard of Pong.
They may have never heard of an 8 track. The
Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year
old.
They have always had an answering machine.
Most have never seen a TV set with only 13
channels, nor have they seen a black and white
TV.
They have always had cable.
There have always been VCRs, but they have no
idea what BETA was.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is, or
know about the "Help me, I've fallen and I can't
get up" commercial.
Feeling old Yet? There's more:
They were born the year that Walkmen were
introduced by Sony.
Roller skating has always meant inline for them.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were
cool.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They have never seen Larry Bird play.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as
W.W.I, W.W.II and the Civil War.
They have no idea that Americans were ever held
hostage in
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was
from. (The correct answer, by the way, is Ork)
They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk
a mile for a Camel," or "De plane, de plane!"
They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea
who J.R. was.
places, not bands.
There has always been MTV.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet? If you do, then pass this on
to some other old fogies...but don't send it back
to me, I feel old enough.
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich
behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,"
and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket
and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
"I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says,
"I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato
and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says,
"That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change
out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the
exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the
attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie
appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of
money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would
wish
for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich
as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,
the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers,
"My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs
who agrees with everything I say."
>>A woman accompanied her husband to the
doctor's office. After his
> >>checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
> >>
> >>He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe
disease, combined
> >>with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband
will
> >>surely die."
> >>
> >>"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and
make sure
he
> >>is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can
take to
> >>work.
> >>And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him."
> >>
> >>"Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his
stress. Don't
> >>discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress
worse. Try
> >>to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and
giving him
> >>plenty of backrubs."
> >>
> >>"Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on
television.
> >>And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a
week
and
> >>satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months
to a
> >>year, I think your husband will regain his health."
> >>
> >>On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the
doctor say?"
> >>
> >>"You're going to die," she replied.
1.
How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
>Unique Up On It.
>
>2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
>Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
>
>3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The
>They Take The Psycho Path
>
>4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
>You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
>
>5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete
Wall?
>Dam!
>
>6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice
too Long?
>Polaroids
>
>7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't
work?
>A Stick.
>
>8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
>Nacho Cheese.
>
>9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
>Subordinate Clauses.
>
>10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In
Quicksand?
>Quatro Sinko..
>
>11. What Do You Get >From a Pampered Cow?
>Spoiled Milk..
>
>12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman
With a Vampire?
>Frostbite.
>
>13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And
Twitches?
>A Nervous Wreck.
>
>14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef
And Pea Soup?
>Anyone Can Roast Beef.
>
>15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
>Right Where You Left Him.
>
>16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
>Because They Have Big Fingers.
>
>17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
>Because It Scares The Dog.
>
>18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The
Titanic?
>Sanka.
>
>19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley
And a
>The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
>
>20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
>Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their
Hat.
>
>21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer
And a Bad Skydiver? A
Bad Golfer Goes, Whack,Damn!
>A Bad Skydiver Goes DAMN! Whack.
>
>22. How Are a
Divorce The Same?
>Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
> >
> There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on the
> beach and saw a little girl
>
> > > coming toward him, so he covered himself with
> the newspaper he was
> > > reading.
> > > The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you
> have under the
> > > newspaper?"
> > > Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird."
> > > The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep.
> > > When he woke up, he was in a hospital in
> tremendous pain. The police
> > > asked
> > > him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know.
> I was lying on the Beach,
>
> > > this little girl asked me a question, and I
> guess I dozed off, and the
> > > next
> > > thing I know is I'm here."
> > > The police went to the beach, found the girl,
> and asked her, "What did
> > > you
> > > do to that naked fellow?"
> > > After a pause, the girl replied, "To him?
> Nothing. I was playing with his
>
> > > Bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck,
> cracked its eggs, and set
> > > its
> > > nest on fire!"
> > > Moral of the story
> ..........................Never lie to girls
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes...
( You MUST read them out loud )
1) That's not right ......................... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?............. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP................................ Kum Hia Noa
4) Stupid Man ................................ Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse ............................... Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? .................. Wai Yu
So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table .............. Ai Bang Mai Fa
Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift .............. Chin Tu
Fat
9) It's very dark in here .................... Wao So
Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ............. Wai Yu
Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone .................. No Pah
King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu
Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight ..................... Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile ............. Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive .............. Yu Stin
Ki Pu
16) Great .................................... Fa Kin
Su Pah!
>It
was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat,
>five-year-old
Johnny stayed home from church with
>a
sitter. When the family returned home, they were
>carrying
several palm branches. The boy asked what
>they
were for.
>
>"People
held them over Jesus' head as he walked by,"
>his
older brother explained.
>
>"Wouldn't
you know it," the boy fumed. "The one
>Sunday
>I
don't go, He showed up!"
>
>,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-
>:'~*~':-,
>
>One
Easter Sunday morning as the minister was
>preaching
>the
children's sermon, he reached into his bag of
>props
>and
pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and
>asked
>the
children, "What's in here?"
>
>"I
know!" a little boy exclaimed. "Pantyhose!"
>
>,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-
>:'~*~':-,
>
>The
prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can
>you
support a family?"
>
>The
surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was
>just
planning to support your daughter. The rest of
>you
will have to fend for yourselves."
>
>,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-
>:'~*~':-,
>
>Little
Johnny asked his grandma how old she was.
>Grandma
answered, "39 and holding."
>Johnny
thought for a moment, and then said,
>"And
how old would you be if you let go?"
>
>,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-
>:'~*~':-,
>
>As
mom was preparing pancakes for her sons, Johnny,
>5,
and Alex, 3, the boys began to argue over who
>would
get the first pancake.
>
>The
mom saw the opportunity to teach a moral lesson.
>
>She
said, "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say
>'Let
my brother have the first pancake, I can
>wait.'"
>
>Johnny
quickly turned to his younger brother and
>said,
>"Okay,
Alex, you be Jesus!"
>
>,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-
>:'~*~':-,
>
>A
little boy in church for the first time watched
>as
the ushers passed around the offering plates.
>
>When
they came near his pew, the boy said loudly,
>"Don't
pay for me Daddy. I'm under five."
>
>,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-
>:'~*~':-,
>
>During
my brother's wedding, my mother managed to
>keep
>from
crying until she glanced at my grandparents. My
>grandmother
had reached over to my grandfather's
>wheelchair
>and
gently touched his hand. That was all it took to
>start
my mother's tears flowing.
>
>After
the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother
>and
>told
her how that tender gesture triggered her
>outburst.
>
>"Well,
I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother
>replied,
>"but
I was just checking to see if he was still
>alive."
>
>,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-
>:'~*~':-,
>
>The
Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell
>me,
do you say prayers before eating?"
>
>"No
sir," he replied, "We don't have to. My mom is
>a
good cook!"
>
>,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-:'~*~':-,-
>:'~*~':-,
>
>"Oh,
I sure am happy to see you," the little boy
>said
>to
his grandmother on his mother's side. "Now maybe
>Daddy
will do the trick he has been promising us."
>
>The
grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?"
>she
>asked.
>
>"I
heard him tell Mommy," the little boy answered,
>"that
>he would climb the walls if
you came to visit."
'Twas the night before Christmas
- Old Santa was pissed! He cussed out
the elves and threw down his list. "Miserable little brats, ungrateful
little jerks, I have good mind to scrap the whole works. I've busted my
ass for damn near a year. Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear,
>
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night. The elves want more
money, the reindeer all fight. Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the
maids. Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
>
And just when I thought that things would get better, Those assholes
from IRS sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny. Who
the hell ever sent
Santa Clause any money? And the kids these days - they all are the pits.
They want the impossible ...those mean little shits.
>
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds, Assembling dolls...their
arms, legs and heads. I made a ton of yo yo's - no request for them.
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!
>
If you think that's bad...just picture this- Try holding those brats
with their pants full of piss. They pull on my nose, they grab at my
beard, And if I don't smile..the parents think I'm
weird.
>
Flying through the air...dodging the trees, Falling down chimneys and
skinning my knees. I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment,
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
>
There's no Christmas this year...
now you know the reason.
I found me a blonde...
I'm going SOUTH for the season!
> > > > ILLEGAL POEM
> > > > I cross ocean,
> > > > poor and broke,
> > > > Take bus,
> > > > see employment folk.
> > > > Nice man treat me
> > > > good in there,
> > > > Say I need to
> > > > see welfare.
> > > > Welfare say,
> > > > "You come no more,
> > > > We send cash
> > > > right to your door."
> > > > Welfare checks,
> > > > they make you wealthy,
> > > > Medicaid it keep
> > > > you healthy!
> > > > By and by,
> > > > I got plenty money,
> > > > Thanks to you,
> > > > American dummy.
> > > > Write to friends
> > > > in motherland,
> > > > Tell them 'come
> > > > fast as you can.'
> > > > They come in turbans
> > > > and Ford trucks,
> > > > I buy big house
> > > > with welfare bucks.
> > > > They come here,
> > > > we live together,
> > > > More welfare checks,
> > > > it gets better!
> > > > Fourteen families,
> > > > they moving in,
> > > > But neighbor's patience wearing
thin.
> > > > Finally,
white guy
> > > > moves away,
> > > > Now I buy his house,
> > > > and then I say,
> > > > "Find more aliens
> > > > for house to rent."
> > > > And in the yard
> > > > I put a tent.
> > > > Send for family
> > > > they just trash,
> > > > But they, too,
> > > > draw the welfare cash!
> > > > Everything is
> > > > very good,
> > > > And soon we
> > > > own the neighborhood.
> > > > We have hobby --
> > > > it's called breeding,
> > > > Welfare pay
> > > > for baby feeding.
> > > > Kids need
dentist?
> > > > Wife need pills?
> > > > We get free!
> > > > We got no bills!
> > > > American crazy!
> > > > He pay all year,
> > > > To keep welfare
> > > > running here.
> > > > We think
> > > > darn good place!
> > > > Too darn good for
> > > > the white man race.
> > > > If they no like us,
> > > > they can scram,
> > > > Got lots of room in
> > > >
A
blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
> lessons
> > or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse
> > immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and
rhythmic
> > pace, but
> > the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
> >
> > In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a
firm
> > grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck but she
slides
> > down the
> > side of the horse anyway.
> >
> > The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
> > Finally,
> > giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the
horse
> > and
> > throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled
in
> the
> > stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves.
> >
> > As her head is struck against the ground over and over, she is mere
> moments
> > away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune....
> >
> >
> >
> > Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her
dilemma and unplugs the horse.
MURPHY'S
OTHER LAWS
1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't
have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending
machine.
5. Back up my hard drive ? How do I put it in
reverse ?
6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar
territory.
7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
8. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most
of it.
9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those
who don't.
10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a
parallel universe.
11. He's not dead. He's
electroencephalographically challenged.
12. She's always late. In fact, her ancestors
arrived on the "Juneflower."
13. You have the right to remain silent. Anything
you say will be misquoted
and used against you.
14. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be
without sponges ?
15. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
16. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
17. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed
how it remains so popular ?
18. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently
talented fool.
19. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can
raise its burial costs and
blame it on the higher cost of living.
20. Just remember if the world didn't suck, we'd
all fall off.
21. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50
chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it
wrong.
22. It is said that if you line up all the cars
in the world end to end,
someone would be stupid enough to try and pass
them. (Would that driver be
from
23. You can't have everything. Where would you
put it ?
24. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people
make up 75% of the world
population.
25. If the shoe fits, get another one just like
it.
26. The things that come to those that wait may
be the things left by those
who got there first.
27. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he
will sit in a boat all day drinking.
28. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
29. The shin bone is a device for finding
furniture.
30. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a
fine for doing well.
31. It was recently discovered that research
causes cancer in rats.
32. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since
nobody listens.
33. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could
use a few.
34. I started out with nothing, and I still have
most of it.
35. When you go into court, you are putting
yourself in the hands of 12
people who weren't smart enough to get out of
jury duty.
36. Light travels faster than sound. This is why
some people appear bright
until you hear them speak
>
> A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day
> there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A
> gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets
> an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him
> and says, "Did you call for me?"
> The man replies, "No. What do you mean?"
> She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule
> here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me."
Smiling,
> she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies
> down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him
> have his way with her.
> The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters
> the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge,
> hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him. "Did you call
> for me?" says the hairy man.
> "No. What do you mean?" says the newcomer.
> "You must be new," says the hairy man. "It's a rule that if
you
> fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins
him
> around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
> The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted
> by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says.
> The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back
> and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
> "But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few
hours. You
> haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
> The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old.
> I get an erection once a month - but I fart 15 times a day! I'm
> outta here!"
>
> It was a dark and stormy night A man
is in bed with his wife when
> > there is a knock on the door. He rolls
over and looks at the clock,
and
> > it's
> > in the morning. "I'm not getting out of
bed at this time," he thinks,
> and
> > rolls over. Then, a louder knock
follows. "Aren't you going to answer
> > that?" says his wife. So the husbans
drags himself out of bed and
> goes
> > downstairs. He opens the door and there is a
man standing at the
door.
> It
> > doesn't take the homeowner long to realize
the man is drunk.hi there,"
> slurs
> > the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
> > "No, get lost. It's
in bed," says the man and
> > slams the door.
> > He goes back up to bed and tells his
wife what happened, and she
> says,
> > "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember
that night we broke down
> in
> > the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids
up from the baby sitter and
> you
> > had to knock on that man's house to get us
started again? What would
> have
> > happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But
the guy was drunk," says
the
> > husband. "It doesn't matter," says the
wife. "He needs our help and
it
> > would be the Christian thing to help him."
> > So the husband gets out of bed again, gets
dressed, and goes
> downstairs.
> > He opens the door, and not being able to see
the stranger anywhere he
> > shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" He
hears a voice cry out,
"Yeah,
> > please." So, still being unable to see the
stranger, the husband
shouts,
> > "Where are you?"
> > The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never
felt better. I have
an
18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think
about
that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I
have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One
day
when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up
his
umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver
sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang,
bang' and the
beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
> >
>
> > Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game with their habits
>
> > > partially blocking the view, three men decided to badger the
nuns in
>
> > an
>
> > > effort to get them to move.
>
> > >
>
> > > In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm
going to move
>
> > to
>
> > >
>
> > >
>
> > > The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to
>
> > only
>
> > > 50 nuns living there."
>
> > >
>
> > > The third guy said, "I want to go to
>
> > living
>
> > > there."
>
> > >
>
> > > One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very
>
> > sweet,
>
> > > calm, voice said, "Why don't you go to hell....there aren't
any nuns
> > > > living
there."
Andy Rooney on Oil:
There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil
shortage here in the
Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know that we were
getting low. .....The reason for this is purely geographical......
All the oil is in Oklahoma, Texas , Louisiana , Wyoming, New Mexico ,
Alaska , etc.
All the dipsticks are in Washington, DC
---------------------------------------------------------------Muslim
Terrorists
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to
commit suicide. Let's see now........................
No Jesus, No Wal-Mart, No television, No cheerleaders, No baseball, No
football, No basketball, No hockey, No golf, No tailgate parties, No
Home Depot, No pork BBQ, No hot dogs, No burgers, No lobster, No
shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks, No gumbo, No jambalaya.
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are
no doctors. Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
No chocolate chip cookies.
No Christmas.
More than one wife. You can't shave. Your wives can't shave. You can't
shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times. Your bride
is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey. But your
donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!!
I mean, really, is there a mystery here?
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Ernie
> says to Mike behind
> him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see
> a doctor."
>
> "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of
> money," Mike replies.
> "There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart.
> Just give it a
> urine sample and the computer will tell you what's
> wrong and what
> to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten
> dollars, a hell of
> a lot cheaper than a doctor."
>
> So Ernie deposits a urine sample in a small jar and
> takes it to Walmart.
> He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up
> and asks for the
> urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and
> waits. Ten
> seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You
> have tennis elbow.
> Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
> activity. It will improve
> in two weeks.
>
> That evening while thinking how amazing this new
> technology was,
> Ernie began wondering if the computer could be
> fooled. He mixed some
> tap water, a urine sample from his dog, urine
> samples from his wife
> and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for
> good measure.
>
> Ernie hurried back to Walmart, eager to check
the
> results. He
> deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and
> awaits the results.
> The computer prints the following:
>
> 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water
> softener.
> 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with antifungal
> shampoo.
> 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into
> rehab.
> 4. Your wife is pregnant--twin girls. They aren't
> yours. Get a lawyer.
> 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your
> elbow will never get
> better.
Subject: Pecans In The Cemetery (A Southern
Story)
On the outskirts of a small town, there was
a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence. One day, two
boys filled up a bucketful of
nuts
and sat down by the tree, out of sight,
and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one
for me," said one boy.
Several
dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on
his bicycle. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the
cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One
for you, one for me. One for
you,
one for me." He just knew what it was.
"Oh my", he shuddered, "it's Satan and the
Lord dividing the souls at
the cemetery
He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an
old man with a cane, hobbling along. Come
here, quick," said the boy,
"you
won't believe what I heard! Satan and the
Lord are down at the cemetery
dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see
it's hard for me to walk." But
when the boy insisted, the man hobbled to
the cemetery. Standing by the
fence they heard, "One for you, one for me.
One for you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been
tellin' the truth. Let's see if
we
can see the Lord himself."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the
fence, yet were still unable
to
see anything. The old man and the boy
gripped the wrought iron bars of
the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to
get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for
me." And one last "One for
you,
one for me. That's all. Now let's go get
those nuts by the fence, and
we'll
be done."
Folks say the old man made it back to town
a full 5 minutes ahead of the
boy on the bike.
New Drugs for Women:
D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of
the world
can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
mom's depression by rendering
preschoolers
unconscious for up to six hours.
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N Highly
effective
suppository that eliminates melancholy
by
enhancing the memory of how awful they
were as
teenagers and how you couldn't wait
till they
moved out.
P E P T O B I M B O Liquid silicone
for single
women. Two full cups swallowed before
an evening
out increases breast size, decreases
intelligence, and improves flirting.
D U M B E R O L When taken with Peptobimbo, can
cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in
enjoyment
of RAP MUSIC!!
F L I P I T O R Increases life
expectancy of
commuters by controlling road rage and
the urge
to run over other drivers.
M E N I C I L L
I N Potent antiboyotic for older
women. Increases resistance to such
lines
as, "You make me want to be a
better person ...
can we get naked now?"
B U Y A G R A Injectable
stimulant taken prior to
shopping. Increases potency and
duration of
spending spree.
Extra Strength BUY-ONE-AL When
combined with
Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying
frenzy so severe the victim may even
come home
with a book by Dr. Laura.
J A C K A S S
P I R I N Relieves headache caused
by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary or phone number.
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T A spray
carried in a
purse or wallet to be used on anyone
too eager to
share their life stories with total
strangers.
S E X C E D R I N More effective than
Excedrin in
treating the, "Not now, dear, I
have a headache"
syndrome.
N A G A M E N T When administered to a
husband,
provides the same irritation as
nagging him all
weekend, saving the wife the time and
trouble of
doing it herself.
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped
his
wife for a younger woman. The
> downtown luxury apartment was in
his name and
he wanted to remain there
> with his new love so he asked the
wife to move
out and then he would buy
> her another place.
>
> The wife agreed to this, but asked
that she be
given 3 days on her own
> there, to pack up her things. While
he was
gone, the first day she
lovingly
> put her personal belongings into
boxes and
crates and suitcases.
>
> On the second day, she had the
movers come and
collect her things.
>
> On the third day, she sat down for
the last
time at their candlelit Dining
> table, soft music playing in the
background,
and feasted on a pound of
> shrimp and a bottle of chardonnay.
When she had
finished, she went into
> each room and deposited a few of
the resulting
shrimp shells into the
> hollow of the curtain rods. She
then cleaned up
the kitchen and left.
>
> The husband came back, with his new
girl, and
all was bliss for the first
> few days. Then it started; slowly
but surely.
Clueless, the man could not
> explain why the place smelled so
bad.
>
> They tried everything; cleaned
& mopped and
aired the place out. Vents
were
> checked for dead rodents, carpets
were steam
cleaned, Air fresheners were
> hung everywhere. Exterminators were
brought in,
the carpets were replaced,
> and on it went.
>
> Finally, they could take it no more
and decided
to move. The Moving
company
> arrived and did a very professional
packing
job, taking everything to
their
> new home.
>
> ...including the curtain rods..
On a golf tour in
> > station in a remote part of the
Irish countryside. The pump attendant,
> > obviously knowing nothing about
golf, greets him in a typical Irish
> > manner completely unaware of
who the golfing supremo is.
> >
> > "Top of the mornin' to yer, sor" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick
> > "hello" and bends
forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees
> > fall out of his shirt pocket
onto the ground.
> >
> > "What are dose?, asks the
attendant.
> >
> > "They're called tees"
replies Tiger.
> >
> > "Well, what on the god's
earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
> >
> > "They're for resting my
balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
> >
> > "Fookin
Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!
The
Bear and the Atheist
>
>
>
>An atheist was walking through the woods one
day in
>
>that evolution had created.
>
>
>
>"What majestic trees! What a powerful river!
What
beautiful animals!" he
>
>said to himself.
>
>
>
>As he was walking alongside the river, he
heard
a rustling in the bushes
>
>behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot
Kodiak
brown bear beginning
>
>to charge towards him.
>
>
>
>He ran as fast as he could down the path. He
looked
over his shoulder and
>
>saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him.
Somehow,
he ran even
>
>faster,soscared that tears came to his eyes.
He
looked again and the bear
>
>was even closer. His heart pounding in his
chest,
he tried to run faster
>
>yet.
>
>
>
>But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground.
>
>
>
>As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear
was
right over him,
reaching
>
>for him with its left paw and raising its
right
paw to strike him.
>
>
>
>"OH MY GOD!"
>
>
>
>Time stopped.......
>
>
>
>The bear froze.......
>
>
>
>The forest was silent............
>
>
>
>Even the river stopped moving.
>
>
>
>As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a
thunderous
voice came from all
>
>around, "YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE
YEARS,
TEACH OTHERS THAT I
>
>DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME
COSMIC
ACCIDENT. DO YOU
EXPECT
>
>ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT?
>
>
>
>"AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"
>
>
>
>Difficult as it was, the atheist looked
directly
into the light and said,
>
>"It would be hypocritical to ask to be a
Christian
after all these years,
>
>but perhaps you could make the bear a
Christian?"
>
>
>
>"VERY WELL," said God.
>
>
>
>The light went out.
>
>
>
>The river ran.
>
>
>
>The sounds of the forest resumed...
>
>
>
>... andthe bear dropped down on his knees,
brought
both paws together,
>
>bowed his head and spoke:
>
>
>
>"Lord, thank you for this food which I am
about
to receive."
>
>
Subject:
PREGNANT
An
eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom
that she
has missed her period
for two months. Very worried, the
mother
goes to the drugstore and
buys a pregnancy kit. The test result
shows that
the girl is
pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother
says,
"Who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!" The girl
picks up
the phone and makes
a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari
stops in
front of their house; a
mature and distinguished man with grey
hair and
impeccably dressed in
a very expensive suit steps out of it
and enters
the house.
He sits in the living room with the
father,
the mother and the girl,
and tells
them: "Good morning, your
daughter
has informed me of the
problem. However, I can't marry her
because of
my personal family
situation, but I'll take charge. If a
girl is
born I will bequeath
her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a
beach
villa and a $1,000,000 bank
account. If a boy is born, my legacy
will be a
couple of factories
and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is
twins, a
factory and
$1,000,000 each. However, if there is a
miscarriage,
what do you
suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had
remained
silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells
him,
"You'll try again!"
# 9
> >
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he
>turns
> >
to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and
> >
as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
> >
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
> >
breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as
hard
>as
> >
your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
> >
> >
# 8
> >
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?"
the
> >
bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,"
responded the young
> >
man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first
blowjob."
> >
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No
offence,
>sir.
> >
But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
> >
> >
# 7
> >
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an
> >
absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she
>is
> >
reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she
> >
replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It
> >
identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish
> >
men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's
> >
yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
> >
> >
# 6
> >
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife
>on
> >
the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says:
>"I'm
> >
sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to
>stay
> >
fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few
>minutes
> >
later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers
>in
> >
her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
> >
> >
# 5
> >
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number
>of
> >
years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a
> >
terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle
> >
slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex
therapist to talk
>about
> >
it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome
> >
the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home
> >
absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously
> >
wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I
told you
>how
> >
I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh,
> >
Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what
happened?" "I got
> >
fired.." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
>"Oh...she
> >
got fired too."
> >
> >
# 4
> >
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for
> >
several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of
> >
just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out
>and
> >
tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try
> >
rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in
> >
and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor
> >
suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait
> >
outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be
> >
embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later,
>white
> >
as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what
> >
happened to which the man replies: "She choked."
> >
> >
# 3
> >
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the
> >
alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make
>you
> >
a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside.
>Then
> >
the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth
>and
> >
I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for w itnessing
this spectacle,
> >
each of you will buy me a drink."
> >
> >
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped
>his
> >
trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator
> >
closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a
>beer
> >
bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator
> >
opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
>The
> >
crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
> >
> >
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's
> >
willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a
>hand
> >
went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but
>you
> >
have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
> >
> >
# 2
> >
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge
> >
black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the
> >
small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound
> >
left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints!!
> >
> >
The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to,
>slapping
> >
his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's
wrong?".
>The
> >
small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big
black
>dude
> >
looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left
> >
ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small white guy
> >
says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around. '"
> >
> >
# 1
> >
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting
> >
at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his
>wife,
> >
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied,
> >
"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table
> >
together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably
sitting here
>naked
> >
as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered,
"What do you
> >
say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and
>sat
> >
down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady
breathlessly
> >
replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years
>ago."
> >
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee
and the
> >
other is in your oatmeal!!!!
> >
>
If you
have ever had to deal with a
major
>
> > > > > corporation's customer service then
you
will really
>
> > > > > appreciate this.
>
> > > > >
>
> > > > >
>
> > > > > My Aunt died this past January. Citi
Bank
billed her
>
> > > > > for February and March for their
monthly
service
>
> > > > > charge on her credit card, and then
added
late fees
>
> > > > > and interest on the monthly
charge...the
balance had
>
> > > > > been $0.00...
now was somewhere
around $60.00)